Melancholy is the only way I can describe my mood in June. I’m sure it’s been reflected in my blog and by my heavier than usual posts. June is a busy month for me emotionally. It all starts in May when I start thinking about how June comes after May and what that means to me and my emotional well being. June 7th was my grandpa’s birthday. Grandpa would’ve been 86 this year. Wow that’s pretty old when I sit to figure it out. Due to my mother’s craziness, Grandpa was the father figure in my life while I was growing up. I was Grandpa’s Girl, his partner in crime. It’s been 8 years since he died and I still miss out crack of dawn breakfasts out and sitting by the pond fishing. Grandpa died June 22, 2001.
Zach was born June 24, 2001. You see my dilemma? And my pregnancy and Zach’s birth weren’t all a walk in the emotional park. I don’t have it in me today to type it all out again, but you can read Zach’s birth story if you like. My pregnancy with Zach was also when I realized something was wrong with my body. I was SO tired and SO achy ALL the time. My doctor told me it was just part of being pregnant, but I just knew what I was experiencing was more extreme than what most women go through. I just had that hunch that something wasn’t right. I got to say “I told you so,” when I got my fibromyalgia diagnosis 4 months after Zach was born. It seems my OB wanted to conveniently ignore the fact that for about 2 months before I got pregnant I was sleeping 12-14 hours a day, and any less sleep left me feeling like I had never slept at all.
Now that Zach’s older, we have his oppositional defiant disorder to deal with. I’m still not convinced that’s the correct or total diagnosis, but that’s the one the doctors seem to want to stick with. June makes my anxiety flare up because it’s the end of his school year and I have him home 24/7. It’s very stressful when you have to put more time and energy into parenting your 8 year old than your 2 year old. I can’t even leave the room when they’re both awake to go load the dishwasher or throw a load of laundry in. Making meals is hugely stressful when I’m here by myself during the day with the boys. Aaron, my toddler will sit and play quietly with his toys for 5, 10, sometimes even 20 minutes. He has a couple of favorite tv shows that he’ll sit and watch while I go scrub the bathroom. Zach has NEVER been like this. He’s the child that I go pee and come back and he’s already gotten the Sharpie I had on the very tippy top shelf and written on the furniture or walls. Now that he has a brother, he’s taken to antagonizing him. I constantly have to watch him, and quite frankly, it gets exhausting.
And now since my sister got married in June, we have her anniversary to celebrate. It’s a date that I hope remains joyous for her for the rest of her life, and it’s a happy date to add to our calendar as well.
So you can see June is just an emotional month for me, and coupled with some of the events of this year, it’s left me feeling particularly vulnerable this time around.