This is becoming an increasingly more and more common phrase I’m seeing and hearing uttered to military spouses these days. It’s usually in response to the spouse having a complaint of some sort. I understand being frustrated by the spouse who perpetually complains. There are good points to military life, just like any other path in life a person may choose. People have ups and downs. It’s perfectly normal that when there’s a down, a person needs to vent.
I wouldn’t tell a fellow autism parent (or any special needs parent) on a bad day, “Well, you knew what you were getting into by having a child.”
I wouldn’t tell another service worker (doctor, police, fire, EMT, etc.), “You knew what you signed up for.”
I wouldn’t tell the married couple who’s divorcing for whatever reason, “Well, You should’ve seen this coming by getting married.”
I wouldn’t tell the woman with breast cancer, “Well, you knew what would happen having breasts and all.”
I wouldn’t tell a man with testicular cancer, “Well, you knew what would happen having testicals.”
I think you get the point. Honestly, for those of us who have been married past the 11 year mark, we didn’t know. We had an idea, but unless you’re a spouse who was around for WWII, Korea, or Vietnam, I don’t think you truly had an understanding of what the current climate and OPTEMPO was going to entail.
This is especially true of our Guard families. Our Guard soldiers haven’t been deployed this much since WWII. I can tell you from experience that many Guard spouses think their husbands just go off and “play Army” one weekend a month, and that was it. It was extra income, their husband was off doing something he thought was fun, and that was that. Then shit got real. Very real. Families didn’t know how to cope. Families still don’t know how to cope as soldiers come home different people whether their wounds are visible or not.
So please, let’s all be a little kinder to each other. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt that it’s a bad day/week/month, whatever, but it’s temporary. If you see a spouse that perpetually complains, say something – privately. Ask them if they’re OK. Just maybe all of that complaining is a cry for help. Help that many of us find so very hard to come right out and ask for. Your compassion could be the difference in that person’s whole week for all you know.
About Amanda
next person that says that – send em my way. we’re gonna have a little chat out behind the woodshed.
please know that for every person who says something idiotic like that, there are ten who are in awe of you and your families and grateful beyond measure for your service.
xo
jess´s last [type] ..hey, imodium, want to talk advertising contract?
Jess ain’t lying. I have seen her in action. ;0)
Amanda – this is a phenomenal post. And seriously…? If I had a CLUE what would happen three weeks after I began dating the SGM in August of 2001… Oh, did I ask for all this? My bad. ;0)
You’re doing amazing things, Fellow Household Six.
Thank you.
Hooah!
Rachel @MrsSGMKenyon´s last [type] ..Hide and Pee
This particular phrase will have me reaching for the 2×8 to smack them upside the head! I’ve been a milspouse for over 30 years ( alot of it Guard, now Active) and as you said, the Guard has been raked over the coals for 10 years. When I married him, the only war was the Cold War! Did I know we were heading into 4 deployments, one of them 22 months (that was Guard)? Oh hell no. so if you want me to forget I’m a lady, if you want me to reach out and “touch you” hard – tell me that. Then run. Fast.
LAW´s last [type] ..It’s an Army Week!
Exactly. My husband is active duty and when I hear someone say that it just grates on me. I hear it more from other milspouses than anyone else. I have come to believe that women who say that are probably the ones who have the hardest time during deployments and are just trying to appear tough.
What you said is exactly what I say. I don’t have kids, but I can imagine that childbirth is probably painful. Will I know exactly what it’s like until I have one? Nope. So did I know exactly how it would be when I married a sailor? No. And neither do they.
Thank you for saying this!! My mister has been in the Army for 19+ years now and looking back I really had no idea what I was signing up for; with the military AND the marriage!!
Kelly Caffee´s last [type] ..If It’s Thanksgiving in Guam today……
Jess said it well. Counting myself among the non-military folks out here who give you SO MUCH CREDIT for the struggles and the sacrifices you make. Any trash-talkers? Send ‘em my way.
Niksmom´s last [type] ..One more thing…
amen to this.
No, you didn’t know. Even if you are a child of a military man you didn’t know, because there hasn’t been anything like this in our lifetime.
People are so insensitive.
Lora´s last [type] ..on three
I can’t believe someone would have the nerve to say that! I’m sorry people are so rude.
Thank you for the sacrifices that your entire family makes for our country. I for one very much appreciate it!
Christy´s last [type] ..Temporary Reprieve: Sleep
people are so insensitive and nobody knows what anything will be like until they are living it day to day. How could they?
Heather´s last [type] ..Not so Charlie Brown Chevron Stripes
Love. This. Post. I am a former military spouse/ daughter of retired Marine and I can’t even count the times I have heard this. The problem is this…people have lost the ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Whether it be autism , cancer, military or anything else that…someone has to identify a blame factor…guess it makes them feel superior.
Laurie´s last [type] ..Entry Sixty-One: Not Every Professional Even Likes Your Kid (or their job)
Some people just have no common decency…no matter what it is, you should never tell someone who is struggling that they deserve it in any way.
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